late night bar etiquette - taking a pass

Imagine yourself lined up at a busy bar, you've been waiting a few minutes which has given you a chance to notice the bartenders working hard and fast behind the bar in hopes of serving everyone all the alcohol they could ever want.  You notice that the person to your right has been waiting just a few moments longer than you.

Now, you consider yourself to be polite, you don't butt in line, you hold doors open for old ladies.  That's nice.  But when the bartender turns to you, nearly frantic with the movement of multiple orders swirling in his/her brain, ready to take your order, DO NOT offer your turn to the person to your right.  Unless of course you aren't ready to order or intend to wait for your next turn, which could fall somewhere after everyone else already waiting at the bar.

You see, giving your turn to someone else is nice, but it DOES NOT mean that you will then in turn be served next.  The time it takes for you to pass your turn to someone else is the time it could have taken you to say "coorslight bottle" at which point the bartender would turn to the next person anyway for a multiple order.  You don't know if the next person is going to order a round of shooters for the whole bar along with a couple of pints for his friends and a cocktail for the pretty thing at the other end of the bar.  You have essentially made yourself wait quite a long time.

And don't go mentioning to the bartender that you were next.  We have a loose idea of who is next, it is at our discretion and though it may not be 100% accurate, we are the booze gods so what we decide is pretty much the law of the universe as far as alcohol consumption goes.

party for 15! and no we don't have reservations...

"That wont be a problem, just give us a moment to get something set up!" (said in sickly sweet tones with an over exaggerated smile)

Large groups are the bane of restaurant existence (slight exaggeration), though they are often good moneymakers and guaranteed numbers for the owners, they are trouble for just about every other person involved in serving them.

Depending on the size of the party itself and the size of the restaurant, a large group can pretty much grind things to a halt as far as the kitchen is concerned.  Understandably so, after all, coordinating all the different plates for that many people just takes time! If the order goes into the kitchen for a table of two just after a large party, forget timeliness, their food wont be coming out until AFTER the larger order is completed.

Everything with a large group takes more time, not just multiplied, exponentially more.

Invariably it will be impossible to get the attention of the whole table at any given time which means every time you approach the table someone new will require something of the server.  Even if the server says in a loud voice "Would anyone ELSE like a refill on their beverage?  Another glass of wine perhaps?  Sir, another Heineken for you?" they are often ignored until the next trip back when the aforementioned 'Sir' asks in a snooty tone, "uh, can I get another Heineken?!?" What the server would like to say is..."Of course you can! But would you mind PAYING ATTENTION WHEN I ASK YOU NEXT TIME?!?!?!"

Large parties also believe the entire restaurant world revolves around them, it is inevitable that someone at the table will feel neglected by their server, though likely not because of a lack in the service, more regarding their own attention span.  A large group will think that every member of the service staff is tending to their table - of course every person wearing a uniform is indentured to them.  Other servers, from other sections, get requests at random, causing problems later when the inevitable separate cheque issue comes into play.  It's hard to remember what each person had if they ordered things from someone else.

The next time you are part of a large party in a restaurant, try to be a little courteous to the staff.  Familiarize yourself with who your server is, then pay attention to that person when they are at the table.  Realize perhaps, that it is somewhat your responsibility to order things subject to the timing of the rest of the group.  It's probably not your servers fault, but the fault of your friends/family, that you are without a fresh drink!  Even better is to have someone in the party take charge and be responsible for ordering the wine/shared appetizers/etc and to keep everyone focused when it comes time to order.

After all, though servers would like to multiply themselves and be at your beck-and-call at every possible moment, that technology hasn't been invented yet.

please inform your server of all dietary concerns (real or imagined)

Are you allergic?  I mean really allergic?  Is there some kind of food that even if its nearby will send you into anaphylaxis?  Your wind pipe immediately closes, your lips/tongue/throat swell to twice their normal size and you break out in hives from head to toe - the only thing that will save your life is an epi-pen and an ambulance to the hospital.  If so please leave the restaurant, it's really not safe.

For everyone else, call ahead!

First off, there is something that people with allergies should know - particularly for the more severe allergens (nuts, shellfish, gluten) TELL YOUR SERVER!  This should happen prior to ordering/consuming your dinner (preferably when you make your reservation).  A chef certainly does not detail every ingredient that he puts into a dish, and most cooks don't know what ingredients are in the pre-packaged foods they serve you.  Do not dive into your tasty looking dessert and when you get to the oh-so-delicious crunchy centre, turn to your server and ask "Are there nuts in this?".  Even if the answer is no, there are probably nuts somewhere in the kitchen, those nuts were possibly on the cutting board that your over ambitious apprentice chef just chiffonaded that lovely mint garnish on.

However, if it's not really an allergy, don't pretend!  You'll probably end up missing out on something delicious.  For example: stocks are used as the base to most sauces found in a restaurant and stocks are made with onions.  So if consuming an entire raw onion causes a little unseemly late night flatulence, then tell your server that you "don't much care for onions - but it's not an allergy".  This will allow the server to properly communicate with the kitchen - they will remove all large quantities of onion but you will still get the red wine demi-glace that makes your prime rib so wonderful.

Be an informed guest.  If you are allergic to an onion then it is likely you must also avoid shallots, leeks, garlic, chives and scallions.  With a 'nut' allergy, there is often a significant difference between legumes (peanuts) and tree nuts (walnuts/almonds/cashews/hazelnuts/pecans/macadamia nuts/chestnuts/pine nuts/pistachios).  Does your shellfish allergy include both crustaceans (shrimp/crab/lobster) and mollusks (clams/mussels/oysters/scallops), or just one set or the other?  Have celiac disease?  Don't assume you know what to look for, there could be Guinness in your ice cream, or your pork ribs could have Ale in the the BBQ sauce!  And don't forget, if you say you're allergic to dairy that can include butter, goat/sheep/cow cheeses, yoghurt.

In short, information is key, no server wants to be responsible for someones untimely demise, but the more often the word 'allergy' gets thrown around, the less we believe you. Stop crying wolf!

separate cheques, please!

Some restaurants vehemently deny even the remote possibility of offering separate cheques to parties larger than 4; others graciously promise that, even at 7:45pm with a packed house heading to the theatre, it's absolutely not a problem. 

Now, if a server is organized to the point of anal retention and the POS system (cash register) is set-up perfectly and everyone at the table has ordered for themselves (read: no sharing of wine/salad/etc) then it's easy.  Also, if it's quiet in the restaurant, not at a peak time, and your server is organized at all and they have the use of some kind of POS system then it also shouldn't be a big problem even if there are shared items.  BUT: when the restaurant is packed there just isn't time!

Imagine it takes only 45 seconds per split cheque (which is pretty quick), multiply that by the number of separate cheques, then add 2 minutes per cheque (to process a credit/debit card or make change).  Let's use a table of 10 for easy figuring, say 4 couples and 2 singles.  That is 6 cheques right? That means it will take your server a total of 16 and a half minutes to take care of your cheques - who is taking care of the other tables in your server's section? What if there is another table who wants to split their bill?

Would you like to be ignored by your server for 16.5 minutes while the panic rises in your throat that you're not going to make it to the theatre on time!  You don't blame the table across the room who is taking up your server's time, you blame your server, hence their disdain towards separate cheques.

Here are some basics if you feel the need to request separate cheques:
A. let your server know ahead of time: don't blindside them when they approach the table with the bill
B. no musical chairs, we don't know your names or faces so we organize you by seat - stay in it!
C. if you want cheques by couple: sit together
D. know what you had but don't nit-pick; if you've shared something with another person at the table who is on a different cheque and you get a larger portion of the cost of that item, just pay for it (the difference of a few dollars - or cents - isn't worth the hassle).
E. we can split items between people (eg. equal parts of 3 bottles of wine split between 5 people) - but please specify in advance.

This might all seem complicated, but if you follow these guidelines, the average server will be able to keep everything moving well - but think for a moment about this: if you don't like the people you are dining with enough to split the cheque evenly, even though there may be a small difference in the price, maybe you shouldn't be sharing a dining experience with them.

late night bar etiquette - ordering

Quite simply in a loud, incredibly busy environment where there are infinite numbers of people lined up for drinks, your conversation should go something like this:

(the bartender makes eye contact with you and leans in to hear your order, you say)
- bottle of bud light
(the bartender nods, retrieves the bottle, opens it and hands it to you.  you hand the bartender enough money to cover the average bottle of beer - say about $5 or more - the bartender brings you change)
EASY! RIGHT?

This is a very simple formula.  Perhaps you don't want a bottle of bud light, the sentence you say could be: 2 gin and tonics; 4 jager bombs; 3 pints of keith's; 2 vodka water barlime; a bottle of coorslight and a pint of stella. Anything!  But don't give the bartender a part order then when they come back try to add to it, you've had your turn - pay up!

Please refrain from asking your bartender to tell you how much.  We have not memorized every possible combination of alcohol on the planet and how much it comes to.  Give the bartender enough money to cover your order AND THEY WILL BRING YOU CHANGE!  It is ridiculous to trust what the bartender tells you but not trust them to just bring you the correct change, hand over the money (that you already have out of your wallet before you order).

On that note, have your money ready always.  Don't order and when the bartender returns with your drink you fumble through your pockets for where your drunk self left your money.  And NO, we do not take debit!  We are too busy and debit takes too long, and you'll probably pull your chip card out too early and we'll have to start over again.  Bring a credit card, build credit while you drink, start a tab and DO NOT try to pay that tab at 5 minutes to 2AM.

Do not ask for a generic type of beer that if often offered both in bottle and on draft without clarifying.  It slows the bartender down.  Remember it is very loud and you are drunk so you may not be at your most articulate!  Place the modifier either directly before or after the object in your sentence; "bottle of bud light" OR "bud light bottle" works.  In almost every bar in this town the taps are visible and the bottle types are displayed/listed.  Have a back up product in mind if you don't see it right in front of you.  You can ask for a "pint of bud light" but the bartender might say "we don't have bud light on draft" so you say "coorslight?"

Clever modifications of drink names are not clever!  A sicillian kiss IS NOT a sicillian.  A gin and tonic IS NOT a G&T.  When you ask for a porn star, clarify, is it a shot? a drink?

Also to those of you who have never been to a liquor store, Tequila is more expensive.  Don't be mad at your bartender when 3 shots of Tequila is more than $20, this does not give you licence to not tip.

If you couple these basic concepts with being a decent tipper (as discussed previously) you will be a joy to serve and every time you reach the bar, your bartender will bump you ahead in line.  It really is not hard to get good service, you just have to be an informed customer.