please remain seated

Ok people.  This is a simple concept, when you are dining in a restaurant (perhaps with the exception of a diner or Cora's breakfast) you should not get up from your seat to pay your bill.  You may have noticed that your server has brought everthing else to your table throughout the course of your dining experience, there's a good chance they will also take payment while you are seated.

You may think that you are making it easier on your server by 'coming up to the machine' to pay.  This is not the case.  Here is why: your server is keeping an eye on your table and knows that he/she has just dropped off the bill and will come by in a few minutes to sort out payment.  When you vacate your table your server can lose track of you which will probably result in you asking another server to process your card/make change.  This may seem simple but servers have a list of things to do in their minds and for someone who is not taking care of your table, processing your bill is not on that list.

This is even more important when you are in a group of 6 or more, especially with separate cheques.  You may not notice in your oblivious bubble but crowding around the service stand (often where the debit/credit machine is located) makes it difficult for the servers who are using that area to get around you.  You were well situated around your table and now you are congesting the thoroughfares of the restaurant; blocking servers and guests alike.

This type of scenario also makes it more difficult for a server who is processing your multiple cheques to make sure that everyone has paid.  Again, everything is much simpler to do while everyone is seated so that someone doesn't skip on the bill.

The worst part of all of this is when you leave your table prior to getting your bill at all.  You then approach a random server and say "I'm ready to pay!" well that is so nice for you, I have no idea who you are, what you have eaten or who was serving you in the first place.  We then engage in a game of charades, "oh she was about this tall, about your height, hair down to about here, maybe blonde?"  Great, just a moment while I go find your server, ask what table you were at, try to describe you to your server in a similar charade fashion, borrow their swipe card to access your bill and then come back and print and process.  All of this takes more time than if you had just remained seated at your table until your own server had time to process your bill and though I'm sure you're not concerned about the other guests, I have to ignore my tables while I sort this out for you.

Now as always there are exceptions, if you have been waiting a really really really long time for your card to be processed then I can kind of understand.  But 6 minutes does not count as an eternity, have a little patience.

please erect your tent if you intend to camp

Two ladies sit together in a booth, dinner has been ordered, served and cleared; coffee and dessert are long reduced to crumbs and rings on the table.  The bill has sat untouched for almost an hour and the conversation rages on...

It's been so long since you've seen each other, I know, you just want to relax and catch up and enjoy each other's company, I get it.  But what you are not considering is that you are reducing my income significantly by taking up a table long after you have eaten.

You see, in most restaurants each server has a section which is comprised of a specific number of tables.  Those tables represent the potential income, not only for the establishment in which you find yourselves, but more directly for the server in that section.  When you forge your way past lingering into the realm of camping we begin to get upset.

As with any industry there is an assumed amount of time it takes to process an order or deal with a client, the same goes for the restaurant biz, there is an average amount of time that it normally takes to 'turn the table'. Some other occupations charge by the hour so that they do not have to concern themselves with potential campers, we don't have that luxury.  Restaurants do not rent you a table for a specific fee but they do expect that once you have finished dining and enjoying the offereings of said restaurant that you will pay your bill and be on your way so that the next table may be given the same opportunity.

If you are planning to stay for the duration of an afternoon or evening it would be courteous to inform your server and perhaps include a little extra when it comes to paying the bill so that he/she does not lose out on a significant amount of income from that table.

Stratford is filled with lovely independent coffee shops that provide an atmosphere to linger in, have a few lattes and catch up on the last 20 years of your life there perhaps?

the 12 bars of Christmas

Now that I am somewhat recovered from my 2 day hangover and shamed that I participated in such an irritating bar phenomenon I would like to offer you a Christmas carol, it being the week before Christmas and all...

Ahem.

At the first bar of Christmas my server gave to me...
A gin and tonic with lime

At the second bar of Christmas my server gave to me...
Two tequila
And a gin and tonic with lime

At the third bar of Christmas my server gave to me...
Three pints of bud
Two tequila
And a gin and tonic with lime

At the fourth bar of Christmas my server gave to me...
Four heineken
Three pints of bud
Two tequila
And a gin and tonic with lime

At the fifth bar of Christmas my server gave to me...
Five jager bombs
Four heineken
Three pints of bud
Two tequila
And a gin and tonic with lime

At the sixth bar of Christmas my server gave to me...
Six shots of rye
Five jager bombs
Four heineken
Three pints of bud
Two tequila
And a gin and tonic with lime

At the seventh bar of Christmas my server gave to me...
Seven white wine
Six shots
Five jager bombs
Four heineken
Three pints of bud
Two tequila
And a gin and tonic with lime

At the eight bar of Christmas my server cut me off...
No more to drink
I'm falling down
Maybe I should go
Five jager bombs!!!!
Just one more drink
I'm not driving home
I'll tip you lots!
One last gin and tonic with lime!

Thank you to those who sang along!  Now, I did not successfully complete my twelve bars, though to be fair there are no longer twelve bars within walking distance in the downtown core.

At my count there are 10: Dominion House, Foster's, Pour House, Parlour, DTS, Bentley's, Boar's Head, Molly Blooms, Backstage and Cadance. And that is the order I attempted to hop in.

I feel that my hangover of monstrous proportions was karma giving me a nudge, reminding me how much we bartenders hate to serve the droves of "12 bars" groups frolicking around the city at this time of year.  They flux in, demand quick service all at once for a group of 20 people or so, then flux out, often without much 'giving' that is so popular during this holiday season.

Please, if you participate in these events, try to drink responsibly and be kind to your service staff, patience as they say is a virtue...

Next year I will just stay in and sip Christmas cheer at home!

customer profile: the regular-non-tipper

"Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.

Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name..."

Being a regular is nice.  A cheerful hello awaits your arrival.  Smiles from staff members, handshakes from management, you are an important part of a successful restaurant make-up.

I love regular guests.  They get to know you, they seem to care about the establishment as they continuously come to spend their hard earned money.  But, something I will never understand is a regular who doesn't tip.  

I am forever feeling like I have to clarify my points as they are so often taken out of context.  I too have locations I go on a fairly regular basis and my tip varies based on the service.  Bad experience = bad tip.  Good experience = good tip.  I'm not saying just because you go often to a particular restaurant that you should have to become a philanthropist.

What I am referring to are the certain people who return again and again to the same venue and just don't tip. Period.  I don't get it, they can have the greatest meal of their life and service to match and still no tip.  I personally would have trouble being a repeat customer knowing that some poor server is paying to serve me.  Yes, it's true, we pay out whether you tip or not (to better understand this concept read my previous post on tipping out).

Perhaps I'm so bothered, not by the lack of tip, but by my lack of understanding.  I've often wanted to approach this type of guest and ask, genuinely ask, why?

Suddenly your entrance turns into a twilight version of 'Cheers', smiles become frowns, handshakes become accusatory looks and the servers are doing rock, paper, scissors to figure out who gets stuck with you.

The last thing you want is being pegged as a non-tipper, your quality of service will be greatly decreased.  And trust me, we peg you, as soon as a regular-non-tipper walks through the door every server who knows alerts every server who doesn't know and we all scowl inwardly.

If anyone out there can enlighten me on the thought process of this type of customer, it would be greatly appreciated.

o Christmas tree

Welcome to the holiday season, a time of warmth, generosity, togetherness, and 'Christmas Parties'.  Every year between November 15th and December 24th I want to quit my job, crawl in a hole and weep until it's all over.

I've posted before about large groups but that does not even begin to express my feelings about restaurant filling, pre-booked, pre-ordered, set menu monster-sized parties.  I'm crying a little even now as I anticipate the coming month.

First off, if you ordered in advance for your dinner, DO NOT switch at the last minute.  Just because your friend's choice looks better than yours does not entitle you to change at the last moment.  This will result in someone else getting the wrong meal (imagine if half the people in your group did this?), which will cause the kitchen to back-up and have to re-cook a dozen meals and throw out the dozen they already made.  Not nice, eat what you ordered for the love of Santa!

Second, drink in moderation.  Yes, you're spending time with a bunch of people you don't like at the best of times (family/coworkers) so you may want a little social lubricant.  But be careful, too many candy cane martinis could result in serious tongue-wagging embarrassment.

Third: as mentioned in the other post, pay attention to your server.  Make a mental note of who they are (note: the young thin blonde and the older brunette are not the same person) and pose your questions and requests to that server.  Be patient, there are a lot of you who all want things at the same time; The night is young there is plenty of time to get drunk.

Inevitably, most Christmas parties get a little rowdy and by the end of the evening the ever present guest list breaks down like this:  There is, without fail, at least one male in the group who feels it is his calling in life to get impossibly drunk and inflict himself on the female staff.  There is often a puker - who of course never reaches the bathroom in time and leaves their festive present "discreetly" in a napkin or under one of the tables.  Don't forget the unhappy employee/unrequited lover who ends the night loudly complaining about their boss/lover to anyone who will listen - inevitably ending in tears and drama and refusal to get in the cab to go home.  Of course the lingerers are a common occurrance as well.  These are the people who hang on to the bitter end after everyone has left, they keep the staff, who try to reset around them without much success, hours later than necessary.  Last but not least, the boss/coordinator/head of the family who is in charge of paying the bill has always overspent on the event itself and cheaps out on the tip.

This year at your Christmas party, get into the spirit of giving; give the gift of good behaviour to your restaurant staff this holiday season!

I know the owner!

This is one of my favourite statements that immediately gets my ire up.

This comment always arises when you tell someone that they cannot have/do something.  A perfect example is a fully booked restaurant where someone arrives without a reservation and is told they cannot have a table.  "But I know the owner!  Surely you have room for US!".


No.

Everyone thinks they know the owner, everyone wants to feel special, but the reality is, if the owner of the restaurant is any good at all, the patrons should know them.  This does not mean that you are entitled to any kind of special treatment.

You are not going to get a discount, you will not get a better table, better service or better food.  In fact, as soon as the words leave your mouth you automatically get placed into the irritating, pretentious category of customers and the quality in your service will decline sharply.  After all, your server is not saying 'No' just for fun.  There is a reason, that reason trumps you knowing the owner.

If you truly know the owner, they should know you are coming.  They will have already informed the staff that you deserve extra perks while dining, you don't have to tell us.

Remember, you may know the owner, but so do we.

my name is not martini

If you've ever served tables in your life you have probably experienced this strange phenomenon.  Guests who feel that their wait staff are more servants than service professionals, not even worthy of a hello!

I like to lead off my service with a greeting.

"Hello, how is everyone today?"
"Hi there!"
"Hello, my name is Chew, how are you enjoying your day so far?"
"Good evening, nice to see you again!"

Most often the response is a pleasant conversational greeting, often followed by brief small talk then leading into a request/offer for a beverage.

However, it seems that some people leave their common courtesy at the door and ignore my pleasantries.  They skip the hello altogether and go straight for a demand of service.

Me: with a smile "Hello!"
Guest: sternly "Get me a martini, gin, rocks, olives."
Me: standing agape "I'm doing quite well actually thanks for asking!"

The tone is what makes the difference really, and it is hard to express it properly through text.  I could forgive the desperation of someone in need of a stiff drink - perhaps they just saw Grapes of Wrath - but being outright rude for the sake of it is unacceptable.

We, your servers, are not robots and how you treat us makes a difference to the overall enjoyment of your meal.  Try a smile, a quick hello, and if you need information/cocktails that urgently, at least try to be considerate while inquiring.

Please.

And Thank you!

dining etiquette + children part 4: dirty diapers

I must apologize in advance for the severity of this post, I am outraged by a scene I witnessed this past week!

If I may help you envision what went on:

Here we are in restaurant X sitting down to a nice evening out (it could be wing night or a casual dinner, heck imagine yourself at McDonald's or even Rundles if you want).  You place your order and food arrives at the table.  At the next table a baby begins to cry quietly.  The mother (I presume) lifts the child, checks the back end and pronounces "ooh that's a stinky one!".  You wait with baited breath, assuming the child will be whisked away to a bathroom facility to be changed, but wait... there's a cloth going down on the table, drinks pushed to the side to allow for the make-shift change station to be laid out.  Baby is put on its back, pants removed, and that velcro/tape combo-sound grates down your back like nails on a chalk board.  That's right!  They're doing it!  Right there in the middle of the dining room, RIGHT ON THE TABLE.  You look down at your own table and wonder...  Brown stained baby wipes are stacked atop the soiled diaper - a scent wafts on the air...

You awake from the horrible nightmare right?  Wrong!

I was frozen in shock as I witnessed this scene unsure whether to ask the couple to leave the restaurant or just go out back and off myself from sheer embarrassment!

There is absolutely, without exception, no possible excuse or explanation for this event taking place in a dining establishment.  I don't care if it's a diner or a pub or a fancy restaurant.  It doesn't matter if it's just a peed in diaper, just a quick change, or you feel outraged because there is no change table in the washrooms.  Urine and feces do not belong in a room where food is being served.  Period.

please, feel free to adapt the menu to your liking

When someone goes out to dine at a restaurant I like to think they choose that particular venue because they like the concept/menu/atmosphere.  To willingly pick a restaurant where these things don't appeal to you is nonsensical.

Why then are there so many guests intent on re-writing the menu to suit their needs?  Bear with me, I'm not talking about allergies here, I understand the difficulty of living with dietary restrictions.  I'm talking about the 'choose your own adventure' guests who think the menu is a free-for-all that can be switched around until it sounds good to them.

"Um, I'll have the pork loin, but with the sauce from the salmon plate - on the side of course - and can you add the goat's cheese from that other dish and I really like the sounds of the vegetables that come with the beef and can I switch the mashed potatoes for a side of gnocchi with lentils too!"

God forbid they don't like their own creation and try to get dinner for free!  Trust me, if you want to be your own chef, you are going to have to pay for it!

There are a number of reasons why menus are decided upon before service, not the least of which is that the Chef decided that he/she just prefers the food presented in the manner described.  In most cases the kitchen staff will even see the plating and learn the cooking style of each dish so they are prepared to do it in a timely manner for all you lovely guests out there trying to get to the show.

Most kitchens are divided into sections.  Certain cooks do certain jobs and have their mise-en-place all set up and ready nearby.  When you redesign a dish it may require an item from another station, or something that is created in equal parts to another element of its original dish.

There is also food cost to think about.  You may want the chanterelle mushrooms from the risotto dish - why can't you add them to your steak?  Because the steak costs more than the rice and the mushrooms aren't cheap.  Be prepared to pay if you want to alter a dish, even if you feel you are making it a cheaper plate, that is not for you to decide, don't bother trying to get a discount by removing an expensive item, it makes you look cheap, and quite frankly, rather dumb.

If you really like something from another dish it's not the end of the world to ask for it.  But don't be haughty and arrogant thinking that you can have whatever you want and NEVER say "they did it for me last time!".  That was last time, and it feels like you're trying to pressure us into doing it again.  Sometimes restaurants do things during a slow period that they cannot execute as well when it's busy.  Ask politely and we'll do our best to accommodate you.

And don't forget to say 'thank-you', sincerely, after all, we did something extra just for you!

Thanks to Carly for inspiration!

all together now...

Some comments on the previous post have once again inspired me to respond.  First, if I may direct you to my first post regarding large groups.  I think it will give you a little insight into where I am coming from.

This may be a bit of a rant/ramble due to the fact that this is a multifaceted issue with many different points of view and necessary things to be mentioned.

First, large groups (parties of 10 or more) are simply more difficult to execute in independent restaurants than the same number of people seated at smaller tables.  It may seem easier to do everything all at once but that is not the case - a large party basically grinds the kitchen to a halt while that table is being plated (meaning the rest of the tables in the restaurant suffer).  

Try it for yourself at home: first, plate two different dinners for yourself and a friend, repeat 5 times over every few minutes.  Then plate 10 dinners at the same time, 3 salmon, 2 pasta, 1 steak medium, 1 steak rare and 3 chicken fingers w/ fries.  Did you find that you ran out of room?  Was it hard to keep everything hot while you waited for the fries to finish?  Can you feel the eyes boring into the back of your neck as the server impatiently waits while the rare steak turns to medium-well on the plate? Did you have time to start anything else while plating the 10 dishes?

If you successfully executed both types of service, I applaud you!  Perhaps you should take up cooking professionally!

The flow of a restaurant is designed to handle smaller tables (up to 6 or 8 max) effectively.  Larger chain restaurants can execute things faster because their size matches that of your group.  10 cooks can more effectively cook for large groups than say 4 chefs/apprentices.  With 10 staff, you can divide your kitchen to focus some on the party and others on regular service, with 4 this is an impossibility.

Now regarding service;  I have both served and dined with large groups and I have to say that over 50% of the time it is the fault of the group, not the server, that the service seems lacking.  It is much harder to get the attention of 10 people at the same time.  You may feel you're being neglected when really your server was at the table a few moments ago trying to politely get your attention but you were engaged in conversation and now that you realize you need something and your server has gone to get drinks for your friends you feel your server is 'too slow' or 'not attentive' etc.

And to answer a question from my reader, the justification for the auto-grat is based on the fact that, like it or not, restaurant service is a tipping environment (if things change, I'll let you know) and too often large groups don't tip.  This results in servers having to pay out of pocket to serve a large group (see my post on tip-outs) which results in unhappy staff, which results in the refusal to serve large parties, or to tip out on them, which causes problems for the restaurant, hence an auto-grat!

As for what is wrong with separate cheques, well (again my post on separate cheques) it basically boils down to timeline.  I know that isn't what you wanted to hear but it's true!  And unfortunately as technology advances, it doesn't get faster it gets slower!

It used to go something like this:

swipe card, enter amount, press enter, print, tear, present to guest

Now it goes something like this:

enter server number, enter amount, insert chip card, verify acceptance, pass terminal to guest, guest muddles through asking the server questions (which button now? how do I go back? I've put in the wrong pin, I don't remember my pin), pass terminal to server, connect to wireless, process, print, tear, present to guest

You can see how it is somewhat more lengthy now than before!  The other problem with separate cheques for large groups is something you may remember from childhood - a game called musical chairs. We your service staff don't know you, we are not familiar with your faces so we number you by seat, if you move from that seat you no longer have an identity which means it's hard for us to [a.] serve you the right plate of food and [b.] charge you appropriately for what you've had.

Any other issues with separate cheques are mostly related to un-trained/disorganized service staff, but I have literally witnessed emotional breakdowns happen from servers trying to separate a cheque for a seat switching large groups.  The poor girl couldn't work the rest of her shift - and imagine someone else trying to separate the bills!  Not to mention if you don't work in a restaurant that has a POS system, every cheque has to be written and calculated by hand.

Whew, that was a lot to take in all at once!  As always, thank you all so much for reading and remember, intimate table or giant group at the end of the day I love to serve you and hope we can accommodate your needs, whatever they may be!

dining etiquette + children part 3: throwing spaghetti

Parents, I challenge you to clean up after your children while in a restaurant!  I know it is nice to be able to walk away from a floor littered with crayons and pieces of paper, bits of food and spilled pop, but the server should not have to be responsible for such a mess.

You certainly wouldn't let 'little Johnny' throw his spaghetti at home, or would you?  The atrocious mess that is commonly left behind after a table with children leaves is unacceptable.  I've actually had children throw food/crayons at me and the parents just laugh!

Thank you but I am not a janitor, nor a babysitter (I was once, but not anymore) and I don't want to have to crawl under your table after you leave to scrape crushed crackers out of the carpet.

I have served a few families that are tidy and pleasant, the children have great manners and are cleaned up after when they make a mess, but unfortunately there are a great many rotten apples spoiling the pot.  So please, to those who don't usually clean up after your children - not only are you being uncouth but you are setting an example for your children that will be perpetuated with their children!

At least leave a big tip so the time we take to clean up the mess isn't totally wasted...

to clear or not to clear

An interesting dilemma brought up by another of my lovely readers!

Now, in the ideal situation, the proper etiquette is for the server to wait until everyone at the table finishes eating before clearing plates; therefore not rushing the last person through their last few bites.

However, there can be a number of problems when it comes to this etiquette point: 1. a lot of guests are boorish and don't understand this concept therefore they shove their plates off to the side of the table or throw their cloth napkins on top of the plate (another topic for another day!) and 2. the majority of service staff in our fair city lack any formal service training and are set free to run willy-nilly with little or no direction from management/owners.

Even as a server of some formidable talent (pardon the ego) I sometimes struggle with the question of whether to clear or not.  In the appropriate setting (finer dining) I always impose this etiquette on tables who don't understand, but you can face wrath from people who want "this dirty plate out of my sight!".  In more casual restaurants eg. diners and pubs as a guest you must realize that it is more common to have the plates cleared as they are finished and this is acceptable at this level of dining.

Servers who lack training/direction seem to automatically lean toward appeasing the snarly guests (who are often the ones who don't understand the proper etiquette) rather than the polite ones (who would prefer to wait for the other guests before having their plates cleared).  This becomes a cyclical problem as these servers become floor managers and teach those new servers the same bad habits they have come to know as the right way to do things.

So I guess the answer is both:
- to the guest: please stop stacking your plates off to the side while your friends are still eating, but don't get upset when your chicken wing plate is cleared ahead of the others
- to the server: please learn the appropriate style for the appropriate venue (read your tables, this is what makes you good at your job)

As in all things, balance is key!

dining etiquette + adults part 3: perfume

An aroma wafts on the air, caressing my senses; spices, grilling beef, a rich tomato sauce simmering towards perfection - all of these mingle together to create that wonderful scent that is part of the dining experience.  I order a bottle of something delicious but as I lean in to smell the wine my nose is virtually assaulted by something terrible...

Why is it that people feel it is necessary to douse themselves in perfume before heading out for a night on the town?

I'm sure you don't smell that bad without it (but if you do perhaps a visit to your doctor is in order?).  Again, unfortunately, women make up the majority of over-the-top smelling individuals, though I have encountered quite a few men who think perhaps they will entice themselves a mate by smelling like an entire Sears cologne counter!

Thank you Ralph Lauren, Vera Wang and Paris Hilton for convincing everyone that your manufactured scents will make us more appealing to our dinner companions!

Let us not forget Grandma; few people smell quite as pungent as a woman over 75!  The strange thing is, they often smell like soap.  It is truly a mystery of science how any one individual can heighten the smell of Dove or Lever 2000 to such levels that everyone's noses in a six block radius can detect nothing else!

I beg you, before slathering on the 'eau'de STANK, please consider those of us who actually want to smell what we are eating!  If you want to smell like a french brothel, perhaps that is where you belong.

customer profile: the drama queen

I hate to start off any post by bashing women but c'mon! Really?

Women make up a large majority of difficult customers; drama queens in particular are almost all female!

The drama queen is someone who is un-please-able from the get go.  You're not fast enough/you're hovering.  The wine is too cold/not cold enough.  The pasta is too spicy/too bland.  And the soup is always cold.

These women like to draw attention to themselves, they speak to you, the server, with an air of condescension - not really looking you in the eye and always speaking over you and ignoring you, unless something goes wrong.  Whether real or imagined, when disaster strikes the drama queen will let you know exactly what YOU have done wrong!

You can spot a drama queen from a mile away too, those dining with her seem exasperated, they apologize quietly to their server, rolling their eyes at her incessant requests.  "Can we have that table?  I don't want that table! Oh no, there's a draft.  This seat is too hard.  Can you turn the air conditioning up?  Down?  I don't want to look at the wall!  Dressing on the side. No butter, no oil, no salt, steamed vegetables!  There is nothing on this menu I can eat!  I need to speak to the manager!"

There's a bug on your table madame?  Perhaps that is due to the fact that YOU ARE ON A PATIO!?!?

would you like some water with your lemon?

This is for Sara, who has obviously served an old lady or two - though the lemon with water phenomenon is not relegated only to the elderly.  Students and middle-aged women are pretty equal in their lemon consumption and perhaps even bolder when it comes to tea-bagging (please excuse the other connotation of this term) or make-shift lemonade creation.

Nothing in life is free - except lemons?

Perhaps the lemon request began in tropical sea ports where an abundance of this cheerful, tart, yellow fruit found itself a delicious addition to any beverage. 

As the America's populated, though there was scarcely enough food to provide for crew and passengers, surely the prevention of scurvy on the ocean crossings was important enough to warrant everyone being given enough lemons to avert such disease (as other unpreventable diseases ran rampant, they had to fight what they could).

So here we are in present day; evolutionary forces have created in us a need for free lemons, right?

HA!

Let me tell you how I really feel.

There are many things I could say about the cheapness of guests, indeed I have mentioned the basic concept of the cheap guest here.  But this post is about lemon consumption specifically.

I believe there should be a surcharge for lemons: to be applied when a guest is sharing his/her dinner with someone else at the table (or having an appetizer for a main course) and purchasing nothing else.  This is not unreasonable, as lemons - contrary to the average persons thinking - are NOT free! 

Even a small token would be an interesting experiment.  How outraged would these guests be if they were charged $0.05 or $0.25?  I would love for a restaurant to find out, any takers?

Beyond being cheap these lemon chasers are rude and irritating; Asking for lemons separately, as the server returns again and again with side plates of lemon wedges, they request sugar/sweetener (and more lemons) squeezing and stirring vigorously until they have achieved lemonade of a sort.  "Uh, that'll be $2.79 ma'am.  Lemonade is not free even if you make it yourself, in fact, that lemonade is 'freshly squeezed' so it's gonna run you closer to $5".

As for the experience regarding secret tea bags (Thank you Sara for bringing this to light!) I must admit I have never encountered such a thing!  Though I have to admit, I'm in no way surprised by the gall of people.

dining etiquette + adults part 2: sexy time

Food is sexy, so I understand when a great dinner might get you a little hot.   But food/sex combos are perhaps better suited to sitting at home in front of one's refrigerator (you may recall the Kim Basinger/Mickey Rourke scene from 9 1/2 weeks).  It is really quite inappropriate to embark on a sexual adventure while sitting at a table in the middle of a dining room.

I have been privy to a number of these encounters: from a good old semi-discreet hand-job behind the tablecloth on Valentine's Day to a continuous 2 hour make-out session complete with slurping sounds (the ice in their drinks melted to nothing and tables surrounding them requested to be re-located!).

As cognitive adults we have the ability to decide when and where we will display our sexual advances.  Why some people think it is okay to do so in a restaurant is beyond me.  Now, I'm not talking about an intimate evening between lovers, this is perfectly fine as long as it does not get out of hand.  I'm talking about groping, slurping, fondling, tonguing, etc.  A daring sojourn to the bathroom notwithstanding, let's just all do our best to keep restaurants somewhere around the PG rating.

dining etiquette + children part 2: running about

The landscape of a restaurant may resemble a playground to some; pathways amidst tables trace exciting mazes, while overhead danger looms as gargantuan servers weave to and fro carrying plates of hot food and trays of cold drinks.  Even the terrain, littered with past broken glassware (swept up except for the minute shards), the dirt of a hundred feet, and bits of long forgotten food, speaks of a safe and joyful place for children to frolic.

No, wait!  It's dangerous for small people to run unattended through a restaurant, busy or not!  That sounds more like it.  I understand as a young parent you feel the overwhelming joy every time little Susie takes a step, my concern is, that you should realize how badly hurt little Susie could end up with a bowl of scalding soup dropped on her head.  Allowing your, (admittedly adorable) little toddler to waddle their way through the restaurant is not okay.  Children who are slightly older are even more dangerous because they move faster!

You see, the problem is: we can't see them!  When you're carrying a tray filled with drinks or balancing six plates you have what is commonly referred to as a 'blind spot'.  That spot settles exactly at the height of a small child.  Even if the server is deft enough to manoeuvre around the child, it can still result in spillage.  Are you the parent jumping out of your seat to offer to pay for the lost product?  Probably not.

Beyond the danger: one must consider the other guests.  A large number of people who have children spend their money selectively when dining.  They leave the children with Grandma and head out to have a little quiet time to themselves.  Their careful planning is thwarted by other parents allowing unruly children to run in circles around the restaurant - this is unacceptable.

Well behaved children are a rare delight in the restaurant industry.  But for those parents who let their children run rampant, please, the by-ways in a restaurant are not for playing in - keep your child safe and out of harm's way by keeping them in their seats!

customer profile: the verbal tipper

I certainly have mixed feelings regarding this type of guest.  On some levels it really is refreshing and pleasant to have someone describe to you personally how wonderful you have made their evening instead of counting on the tip for compliment.  However, when someone gushes to you, grabbing your hand to shake it and thank you over and over for such an incredible dining experience, beware, there's probably very little money left for you in the billfold.

It's always those who are over-the-top with their warmth and thankfulness that leave no money, I'm not talking 10% here, quite often if someone takes the time to find their server and over-exaggerate the UNBELIEVABLE FANTASTIC MOST INCREDIBLE service, they usually leave 1 or 2% or sometimes nothing at all.

This type of guest feels that their praise replaces the need for a tip.  Unfortunately, kind words don't pay my mortgage.  You could try swinging by my bank to chat with the manager and see if maybe, this month, they'll take some compliments instead of cold hard cash?  I'd appreciate it.

'Le client n'a jamais tort'

There is a debate regarding the origin of the phrase "the customer is always right" but whether it was an American concept or an English one, we must give credit to Cesar Ritz, a familiar name to those of us in the hospitality industry, who said it first, kind of: "the customer is never wrong".

Though Ritz was a wildly successful hotelier there are certainly some limitations to his concept.  Some guests live their lives intent on wielding their perceived 'always right' power over their service staff.  This is where they cross the line and become most certainly WRONG!

Any restauranteur (or business professional of any kind) knows that it is easier to keep a current customer than it is to gain a new one.  So just how far should a business stretch to accommodate those who are obviously out to have a bad time?  How much effort can be reasonably dispensed to satisfy a guest before that person is deemed expendable?

Often these demanding guests not only provide a difficult situation for their server and the kitchen staff who often have to re-make food or change orders entirely (all because they perceive some horrible injustice has been wrought upon them). But, they also influence the other guests around them, sometimes beyond one section to encompass the entire restaurant.  They stop the flow, and it is often unnecessarily about the lighting in the restaurant or the price-point - these are things that cannot be changed during service.  Call ahead next time and ask to meet with the owner/manager at a more appropriate time if these things are so important.

As an aside, this too lends to my dislike of corporate restaurants where the focus is almost always on the guest, often at the expense of the server (even the server's job is forfeit on occasion due to an un-satisfy-able individual).

There are some great stories to be heard in this town of small independent restaurant owners approaching tables of impossible people and asking them firmly (to say the least) to remove themselves from their restaurants!  This is why I love the independents, they believe in their concept and their staff (BRAVO!) and realise that there are some people who cannot be helped.

So for all you customers out there, bear in mind: these people helping you choose items from the menu, bringing your dinner and/or cooking it, these people actually serve and cook FOR A LIVING!  And though from time to time mistakes are made (don't worry, we know you are perfect in real life) we apologize, but that in no way makes you always right.

MOVE!!!

Though we claim to have advanced beyond neanderthals I feel at times that human beings are more like cattle, or perhaps lemmings.

Why is it that we gravitate to the thoroughfares of dining establishments to have long-drawn out conversations punctuated with grandiose gestures.  People congregate in doorways and hallways or crowd around a single focal point while cocktailing.

We mash ourselves into these bottlenecks, jostled by those around us; pressed indiscreetly against the stinking armpits of our neighbours (or voluptuous bosoms), while there are large open areas with virtually no one in them.  Vacant tables stand at the ready to embrace our idiot selves, but instead we bump, grind and flail: risking spilled drinks/dinners as servers attempt to manoeuvre the mine field of errant limbs.

Everybody move to the back of the bus!

More disturbing yet; even after being requested to move - ever so politely - a number of times over, people will just continue to shuffle back into the area that a member of the staff is trying to get to and from.  Blocking the way over and over and over and over and over.  How long until we get the point?  Perhaps we should ask Pavlov's dogs?

During these times of heavy congestion, you may feel a gentle hand on your back and a courteous request: 'Pardon me'.  But what we really want to say is MOVE!!! and we'd like to say it with our elbows.