the 12 bars of Christmas

Now that I am somewhat recovered from my 2 day hangover and shamed that I participated in such an irritating bar phenomenon I would like to offer you a Christmas carol, it being the week before Christmas and all...

Ahem.

At the first bar of Christmas my server gave to me...
A gin and tonic with lime

At the second bar of Christmas my server gave to me...
Two tequila
And a gin and tonic with lime

At the third bar of Christmas my server gave to me...
Three pints of bud
Two tequila
And a gin and tonic with lime

At the fourth bar of Christmas my server gave to me...
Four heineken
Three pints of bud
Two tequila
And a gin and tonic with lime

At the fifth bar of Christmas my server gave to me...
Five jager bombs
Four heineken
Three pints of bud
Two tequila
And a gin and tonic with lime

At the sixth bar of Christmas my server gave to me...
Six shots of rye
Five jager bombs
Four heineken
Three pints of bud
Two tequila
And a gin and tonic with lime

At the seventh bar of Christmas my server gave to me...
Seven white wine
Six shots
Five jager bombs
Four heineken
Three pints of bud
Two tequila
And a gin and tonic with lime

At the eight bar of Christmas my server cut me off...
No more to drink
I'm falling down
Maybe I should go
Five jager bombs!!!!
Just one more drink
I'm not driving home
I'll tip you lots!
One last gin and tonic with lime!

Thank you to those who sang along!  Now, I did not successfully complete my twelve bars, though to be fair there are no longer twelve bars within walking distance in the downtown core.

At my count there are 10: Dominion House, Foster's, Pour House, Parlour, DTS, Bentley's, Boar's Head, Molly Blooms, Backstage and Cadance. And that is the order I attempted to hop in.

I feel that my hangover of monstrous proportions was karma giving me a nudge, reminding me how much we bartenders hate to serve the droves of "12 bars" groups frolicking around the city at this time of year.  They flux in, demand quick service all at once for a group of 20 people or so, then flux out, often without much 'giving' that is so popular during this holiday season.

Please, if you participate in these events, try to drink responsibly and be kind to your service staff, patience as they say is a virtue...

Next year I will just stay in and sip Christmas cheer at home!

late night bar etiquette - taking a pass

Imagine yourself lined up at a busy bar, you've been waiting a few minutes which has given you a chance to notice the bartenders working hard and fast behind the bar in hopes of serving everyone all the alcohol they could ever want.  You notice that the person to your right has been waiting just a few moments longer than you.

Now, you consider yourself to be polite, you don't butt in line, you hold doors open for old ladies.  That's nice.  But when the bartender turns to you, nearly frantic with the movement of multiple orders swirling in his/her brain, ready to take your order, DO NOT offer your turn to the person to your right.  Unless of course you aren't ready to order or intend to wait for your next turn, which could fall somewhere after everyone else already waiting at the bar.

You see, giving your turn to someone else is nice, but it DOES NOT mean that you will then in turn be served next.  The time it takes for you to pass your turn to someone else is the time it could have taken you to say "coorslight bottle" at which point the bartender would turn to the next person anyway for a multiple order.  You don't know if the next person is going to order a round of shooters for the whole bar along with a couple of pints for his friends and a cocktail for the pretty thing at the other end of the bar.  You have essentially made yourself wait quite a long time.

And don't go mentioning to the bartender that you were next.  We have a loose idea of who is next, it is at our discretion and though it may not be 100% accurate, we are the booze gods so what we decide is pretty much the law of the universe as far as alcohol consumption goes.

playing favourites

I am often inspired by those who read this blog and particularly by those who comment.  Most recently a comment on my post regarding 'late-night bar etiquette: the waiting game' gave me a moment's pause.  I examined my own behaviour as a bartender and the habits of those bartenders that I have worked with; and to be honest I must give credit to 'Anonymous 7:41pm' for pointing out a rather glaring flaw in the service in this town.

We play favourites.

Now, I was not writing the other post for someone like 'Anonymous 7:41pm' who says "I am polite, tip well, wait patiently and generally understand the plight of the server/bartender".  The people I am writing for are the loud, impatient, mouthy, catcalling, belligerent people, who unfortunately seem to make up the majority - especially during late night.  I am trying to educate these people so that people like 'Anonymous 7:41pm' can get better service from their bartenders.

You sir/madame, are not an inconvenience at all and do not deserve to be overlooked.

Here I arrive at the point I plan to make.  Bartenders play favourites (though I am not totally opposed to this scenario - after all, if you know someone is pleasant, friendly, quick and a great tipper why would you not serve them first?).  But, often bartenders cross the line, they begin to outright ignore paying guests for one reason or another.  Perhaps they're enjoying some beverages behind the bar themselves, hence slowing their reaction time/motor skills so that they are less efficient.  Maybe they don't like the way you look, or you don't tip 'enough' for their liking.  These are unacceptable reasons to give poor service.

Finding yourself somewhere between the bad customers and the regulars a person can tend to get lost.  I myself have experienced many times the 'brush-over' particularly when I'm out at a bar where I am not recognized.

I would like to apologize on behalf of the bartenders out there who skip the average guests in favour of their friends every time.  Unfortunately with it being such a small town there is little to be done other than perhaps on a slow night, sidle up to the bar and make friends with the bartender, then perhaps next time it will be you getting served while those average souls around you wait!

late night bar etiquette - the waiting game

Patience is a virtue, one that is uncommonly exercised by bar patrons when it gets busy.  I encourage all of you who like to go out and 'tie one on' to learn a little, it will get you ahead a lot farther than shouting rudely and waving money at the bar staff.

First, to avoid being the object of the bartenders' loathing just bear in mind that we really are working hard (and fast) to get you drinks.  This is a bartender's main goal.  It's good for everyone, the bartender makes money, the establishment makes money and you get to go ahead and get shitfaced.  Everybody wins right?

To help reduce your own personal wait time please refer back to my previous posts on ordering and tipping.

Be patient with the bartenders!  Don't think you're smart and spout off about how long you have been waiting; How for some reason, out of all the individuals waiting for a drink, you deserve to be first.  We have a system, and we're getting to you.  In fact, you might be your own downfall, at a busy bar you must be diligent while waiting!  Don't turn to have a chit-chat with your friends or a quick make-out with your girlfriend/boyfriend because in that moment, as Murphy's law would dictate, the bartender will come over and try to make eye contact, if you are otherwise distracted, well, too bad!  You are no longer a customer who has been waiting a long time, you are back to the bottom of the lineup, now you must wait until the bartender has helped those in line ahead of you - which is now everyone else.

Sucks doesn't it?

But it's not the bartender's fault, though you feel slighted; If we waited until you were done your conversation/make-out we would be wasting valuable time that could be otherwise spent serving someone who is paying attention and also waiting.

Also, be prepared.  If you're planning to order for the group of people surrounding you, KNOW WHAT THEY WANT!  Do not wait until the bartender stops then turn and ask everyone what they're planning to have, if you're not ready to order, you're not really waiting are you?

To help further reduce the length of time you'll have to wait: have your money ready.  No, this does not mean you wave a 20 dollar bill at the bartender, catcalling like he/she is some kind of stripper.  What it means is you have you wallet out of your pocket/purse and you have your dirty little fingers on the money - before you order!  It saves us a trip, we can take your money in advance and bring change and the drinks at the same time!  This allows us to make sure you don't have to wait as long.  Rocket surgery, I know.

down the street...

Everyone is so happy to have one of Stratford's greatest late-night spots finally re-open after the harsh winter!  The place was a-buzz with activity on opening weekend and the menu just as tasty as ever!  For those of us who know the food scene in town, this is the classiest place for late-night rendezvous.  So popular is 'DTS' that one can be nearly jostled out the door by the shoulder-to-shoulder crowds on some nights.

Such a great way to greet guests - free bubbly was presented upon arrival!  And beyond the greeting, it's hard to go wrong with Anj and Caitlin behind the bar and Marjorie is always a delight at the table!  The location is as sensuous as ever and with some fresh paint and a good scrub over the winter, the place is ever more vibrant.

The wine list has an Ontario focus with Lailey Vineyard and Tawse Winery appearing among others.  Cocktails are expertly shaken - tiny ice crystals reflect the lights making my martini oh-so-perfectly chilled. 

Can't wait for patio weather, you'll find me amidst the blossoms, under that stars (and beside them - as it is a favourite haunt of the actors and plenty of restaurant icons) at 'DTS'.

don't touch the olives...

I used to like a good dirty martini, now I can't drink them.  Though some will dispute that the gin (or vodka) is being polluted by the brine, I enjoy the salty/savoury addition to the cocktail.  But it's hard to get a 'clean' dirty martini.

Bartenders and servers everywhere are sticking their dirty fingers in the olives.  It's not so much about the couple of olives they pull out, it's about what is left behind.  Your bartender touches your ice, your straw, your fruit, why not your olives, right?  It's all about the brine.  Every time someone shoves their dirty bartender's fingers into the olive jar they leave 2 little somethings behind - bacteria & natural oils.  This bacteria/oil combo starts to react with the brine, forming little white things - we'll call them 'fat globules' - and when someone orders a dirty martini these 'fat globules' end up in the drink. Gross.

Unfortunately, this phenomenon is not limited to low grade restaurants.  It's surprising how dirty most olive jars are.  So the next time you have a dirty martini, drink it at home.

late night bar etiquette - ordering

Quite simply in a loud, incredibly busy environment where there are infinite numbers of people lined up for drinks, your conversation should go something like this:

(the bartender makes eye contact with you and leans in to hear your order, you say)
- bottle of bud light
(the bartender nods, retrieves the bottle, opens it and hands it to you.  you hand the bartender enough money to cover the average bottle of beer - say about $5 or more - the bartender brings you change)
EASY! RIGHT?

This is a very simple formula.  Perhaps you don't want a bottle of bud light, the sentence you say could be: 2 gin and tonics; 4 jager bombs; 3 pints of keith's; 2 vodka water barlime; a bottle of coorslight and a pint of stella. Anything!  But don't give the bartender a part order then when they come back try to add to it, you've had your turn - pay up!

Please refrain from asking your bartender to tell you how much.  We have not memorized every possible combination of alcohol on the planet and how much it comes to.  Give the bartender enough money to cover your order AND THEY WILL BRING YOU CHANGE!  It is ridiculous to trust what the bartender tells you but not trust them to just bring you the correct change, hand over the money (that you already have out of your wallet before you order).

On that note, have your money ready always.  Don't order and when the bartender returns with your drink you fumble through your pockets for where your drunk self left your money.  And NO, we do not take debit!  We are too busy and debit takes too long, and you'll probably pull your chip card out too early and we'll have to start over again.  Bring a credit card, build credit while you drink, start a tab and DO NOT try to pay that tab at 5 minutes to 2AM.

Do not ask for a generic type of beer that if often offered both in bottle and on draft without clarifying.  It slows the bartender down.  Remember it is very loud and you are drunk so you may not be at your most articulate!  Place the modifier either directly before or after the object in your sentence; "bottle of bud light" OR "bud light bottle" works.  In almost every bar in this town the taps are visible and the bottle types are displayed/listed.  Have a back up product in mind if you don't see it right in front of you.  You can ask for a "pint of bud light" but the bartender might say "we don't have bud light on draft" so you say "coorslight?"

Clever modifications of drink names are not clever!  A sicillian kiss IS NOT a sicillian.  A gin and tonic IS NOT a G&T.  When you ask for a porn star, clarify, is it a shot? a drink?

Also to those of you who have never been to a liquor store, Tequila is more expensive.  Don't be mad at your bartender when 3 shots of Tequila is more than $20, this does not give you licence to not tip.

If you couple these basic concepts with being a decent tipper (as discussed previously) you will be a joy to serve and every time you reach the bar, your bartender will bump you ahead in line.  It really is not hard to get good service, you just have to be an informed customer.

late night bar etiquette - tipping

Tipping well is incredibly important when you are trying to get service at a busy bar.  Imagine: you are standing at the bar, money in hand, waiting.  You are surrounded by crowds of people all with the same basic intent - to get a drink from the bartender - yet for some reason it seems like they keep skipping you.

The busier a place is the more important your tip becomes.  Of course, to do their job, the bartender has to serve someone, but that someone does not have to be you!  If the person to your right or left has established themselves as a good tipper and you are a bad tipper, guess who will get served over and over again?

You might have been waiting for five or ten minutes, perhaps longer, when suddenly the bartender looks over your head, makes eye contact with someone behind you and begins pouring their drink.  Look over your shoulder, this person is a regular, he/she is good tipper.  He/she will always get served before you, unless you place yourself equally in this category. This may upset or irritate you, but really, put yourself in the shoes of the bartender.  If you had to do a job but someone offered you more money to serve them first, would you turn it down?

Remember this at last call as well, if you have been a poor tipper all night and you're hoping for just one more drink - a bartender always remembers a good tipper and never forgets a bad one - you will be overlooked. So the next time you wonder why "the service here sucks!" consider your tip amount, you'd be amazed what an extra couple of quarters will do.  And if you're planning to be a really bad tipper bring a credit card and run a tab for the night so that the bartenders don't know this until it's too late.

If you found this information valuable, you may want to stay tuned for the next post: late night bar etiquette - how not to be an ass!